I am afraid of changes.

Don’t get me wrong here, I do not necessarily fear the changes other people might undergo – if anyone wants to change anything about their physical appearance, attitude or life in general, they should go for it. As long as it doesn’t affect me in a negative way, I don’t need to care, and I don’t want to, because it’s not my business, even if I think their new haircut looks horrible.
So that isn’t the problem.

I’m afraid of changing myself.
I dread being judged for possible decisions. I fear the reactions to modifications concerning my style, hair colour, attitude.
Due to this fear I keep putting off loads of things I’d really like to do, constantly telling myself that I will realise those ideas when I’m older, when I’ve left my familiar surroundings.

Thinking about getting my ears pierced and stretching them? Not now. Buying certain items of clothing I consider pretty? Nah, not sure. Speaking up confidently about the topics that are on my mind? Maybe not that often. Starting making YouTube videos? In the future. Maybe.

There are way too many uncertain promises I make, too many changes placed in the future, and pretty much nothing I feel confident enough to do now. Life is about living in the present, I know.
But I keep postponing my plans to when “I’m going to be older and leave my old self behind”.

This whole post sounds probably incredibly stupid, and I know that all those points I’m complaining about are far away from being real issues. But it bothers me. A lot.

Not only am I afraid of changing. I’m also afraid that I will never change, because of my stupid worries. It’s like a spiral of fear, and I’m not comfortable and confident enough to escape.

Can anyone of you relate to this little issue? Did you manage to overcome similar problems? I’d be exceptionally grateful if you let me know with a comment.


2 thoughts on “change

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